Midnight Calls

You called me again last night, your voice light and slightly aloof using that gentle tone you always do

I answered in a daze listening to your throaty chuckles and staring absently at the clock above the wall

Rubbing my eyes as the haze of sleep cleared, it was a little past midnight 

Turning softly I turned on the lamp, the dim light filling the space in my bedroom

Hugging my pillow tightly I asked how your day went my voice thick with the remnants of sleep

Clearing my throat I listened to your vague answers and cryptic responses

My chest tightened, I called out your name and you went quiet, the silence filled with the sound of your breathing 

It was harsh and hurried like you were suppressing a sob but failing and my hands gripped the phone tighter

I wanted wrap my hands around you and wipe away your tears but I couldn't 

So I whispered the words I thought you needed to hear "I'm here"

You snorted out a laugh sounding breathy and tired and said you wished I was 

Ignoring the stinging at the back of my eyes I listened to you change the subject while I was stuck on how sad it was to hear you cry

Running to your side kept flashing through my mind but I knew I couldn't 

You knew how I felt, knew how helpless I was when it came to matters concerning you

You knew but you left and that was okay, until you stopped sleeping and started calling at ungodly hours with tears in your eyes

I wanted to yell at you to come back, to admit you'd made the wrong choice all those years ago and just come home but I know you and your pride so I didn't 

Quietly I asked if you were happy instead 

Snorting i listened to you speak superfluous words without a hint of truth and glared at the carpet, pulling out threads from my blanket 

Trailing off, you stopped talking and the silence grew poignant punctuated by static

Rubbing my face in frustration, I gritted my teeth and whispered tears threatening to fall "won't you please come h-home" my voice cracking a little at the end

You didn't respond

I regretted immediately 

I heard a muffled whimper and shuffling on your end and went to speak again, to take it back but was greeted with the dial tone

Wiping my tears, my fingers shaking I cursed my impatience 

I knew I'd scared you off, poked a little too hard at your bruised ego

I just wanted you where I could see you, not to validate your delusions on having failed at life

But to bring back your smile and make you as happy as you've always made me

Sighing, I switched of the lights plunging the room into darkness and stared hard at the ceiling listening to the whirring of the fan, sleep the last thing on my mind

Cradling the phone in my hand hoping you'd at least call  again tomorrow at midnight 

I won't say a word this time

Even if it kills me to just sit quietly and listen to you cry