Self love

Looking at u from a safe distance
As you laugh and joke with your pals
I feel the bile rise up my throat
And the tears choke me up
Remembering all the things I didn't say
Wiping away an errant tear
I left you yes I'm the one who left
Because of the things you did, the things I never said
Closing my eyes I see ur smile
I want you to burn in the fire of my fury until it's gone
Replaced by insurmountable pain etched across ur soul
Watch the flames lick at ur feet as you rock back n forth
To be judged, berated and decieved by u
Caused me to engage in self doubt, what I never thought I'd go through
So now I want to hurt you
Slowly take pieces of your heart inch by miserable inch
Hack away at your ego until there's   nothing left of it
Until you can't bear to look in the mirror
You made me feel plain n not worth a hook up
Without a shit load of make up
I didn't say anything just swallowed it and didn't say a word
You were yes and no, in then out, hot then cold
I could never keep up with the changes, I was lost
Couldn't see the harm u were causing now I'm stuck
Can't make a  choice can't look at myself squarely can't stop
The doubts, the voices saying to be better than I am
To be prettier, curvier, slimmer, don't know if i can
But for you I stupidly tried and even after all this time
I still hear ur voice saying "suck it in", "get it done" in my head
Pushing out any shred of confidence I had left
So now I look at the ground, eyes never straying
When speaking, being spoken to never attention seeking
What have you done to me, what have u done
Didn't know how to love yet wasted no time to mock
Now I'm broken beyond repair, undeserving of self love.